The Four Horse Riders of Interpersonal Doom

Highlighting the Intersection between Science and Communication

Amy Locklin

Because humans are often on our worst behavior in our closest relationships, couples counseling strategies can benefit multiple forms of personal and professional communication.

This is demonstrated in the proliferation of Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages books from dealing with only marriage to many other kinds of relationships. Knowing whether your coworkers are more words of affirmation, acts of service or quality time driven can help motivate them in teamwork and supervisory situations at the office. (Touch should not, of course, be used at work, and rewards such as gifts can be problematic in this kind of context as well.)

Another more research driven source from the marriage health archives comes from The Gottman Institute. As described in Malcom Gladwell’s Blink, Gottman’s ability to identify within approximately 30 seconds of observing a couple whether their marriage will continue or end seems like a magic trick. Yet he has scientifically identified four negative emotions driving communication as the main symptoms portending interpersonal doom. These four horse riders* are:

·      Defensiveness

·      Stonewalling

·      Criticism, and

·      Contempt

Gottman considers contempt the most damaging. He tells Gladwell, “You would think that criticism would be worse. . . because it is a global condemnation of a person’s character. Yet contempt is qualitatively different. . . If I speak from a superior plane, that’s far more damaging, and contempt is any statement made from a higher level. It’s trying to put that person on a lower plane than you. It’s hierarchical.**”

Interestingly, when we underestimate others, it can be seen as a passive or benign form of contempt. And it’s important to distinguish between passive, micro, and regular aggressions in communication as well. All are damaging, with microaggressions being the most confusing because they sometimes occur as an attempt to connect through empathy and friendliness.

I remember how surprised I was to learn that defensiveness was a negative emotion equal with criticism and contempt. However, acting as if something someone says is an attack—whether it is or not—will most likely escalate conflict, as does ignoring what the person has said altogether, which is a form of stonewalling.

We can benefit from learning to identify these four horse riders portending interpersonal doom: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt. While we get good at seeing them in others, we can simultaneously learn to see and avoid them in ourselves.

*In the Bible these emissaries of apocalypse are knowns as the four horsemen, but we prefer gender neutral language at alchemicalmindset.org.

**Hierarchical relationships such as teacher/student, parent/child, supervisor/supervisee and others are at greatest risk of harmful power-based communication styles. Because humans like to control more than be controlled, contempt can be seen as an attempt to control others by seeing them as less powerful and authoritative. In addition, unfair hierarchical communication tends to possess more heightened negative force when directed at traditionally marginalized and underrepresented diverse people.